Sunday, December 12, 2004
Call me an aging liberal cynic or, perhaps, chalk it up to one too many fabulous spicy meatballs consumed during a wonderfully festive Christmas party Saturday evening, but, in reading this morning’s Washington Post story headlined White House Puts Blame on Kerik, I can’t help but visualize 3 hapless Stooges madly chasing after one another in a chaos of noise and blame-shifting finger-pointing.
In this madcap three-reeler, Larry and Mo retain the Presidency and Vice-Presidency while Curley Joe, head dripping with pie meringue, fails to secure Homeland Security in a zany Whack-a-Mole played to the signature Stooge 3 Blind Mice theme.
Is there any other way to interpret a story that has the White House baldly stating that the Homeland Security candidate failed “to disclose potential legal problems” involving immigration, tax evasion and an arrest warrant resulting from a 1998 dispute over $5,000 in delinquent condo fees to a slip-shod investigation headed by the administration's candidate for Attorney General?
With the subtlety of a Mo Howard finger jab to the eye and with tongues firmly in cheek, Washington Post reporters Jim VandeHei and Mike Allen display the comic slapstick with a simple turn of phrase:
It is unclear why White House lawyers could not uncover a warrant that Newsweek discovered after a few days of research…
Can’t you just hear a bug-eyed Curley Joe make that nyuk, nyuk, nyuk sound?
A story with more holes than Dick Cheney’s heart continues with nominee Kerik repeatedly lying to an FBI investigation hampered by “political pressure to get appointments done quickly”.
In ludicrous fact, adds a chatty but zigzagging White House official:
A candidate can be so eager for appointment that he shades the truth.
Not truth shading at our White House, horrors and in pie-wielding justification, because our innocent Leader in kind of Chief “makes the announcement -- often before the FBI has conducted a background check”.
Isn't, dear readers, benign neglect exactly what multimillion dollar agency advice is for?
Stop, you're killin' me!
Hold on, it gets better with our yakky punchline-stricken White House official delivering the sharp shiv of a very Washingtonian coup de grâce:
The efficacy of Bush's process is in the results…
Do you feel the eardrum screwdriver wound yet, Mr. President?
Should we kiss our asses goodbye now or wait until after the Holy-er Joe is sworn in?
But relentless comedic hijinks continue apace as, in Stooge fashion, the sloppy pratfalls grow ever sloppier as our pie-strewn finger-pointers toss discretion even further into the gale force wind:
White House officials quoted anonymously in this story are in a position to know details of the controversy, and refused to speak on the record because they are not authorized to discuss the secretive selection and vetting process.
Have you fully grasped this meringuey morsel?
The guy who is talking knows what he’s talking about but refuses to identify himself because he’s not allowed to talk about what he is talking about.
Feeling tazed, I wondering if I’m tasting pie or just the lingering reflux from a tad too many spicy political and Christmas party meatballs.
Maybe VandeHei and Allen will strive for further comic clarity in tomorrow’s exciting Security Stooge three-reeler, The Housekeeper Returns!
Modified Image: Reuters, threestooges.com